Ah, what
a question. Who is your Valentine? Who indeed.
For many years around my house the answer was pretty simple. There was Chris and … that’s it. Just Chris.
Oh, we still acknowledged my Mom and hers, but as far as Valentines go …
one was more than I could handle. Made
it pretty simple raising three boys, too.
Lavish all your love on Mommy at least one day a year. And that attention ended way too early for
her taste, I’m sure, when the boys started discovering that those lovely young
visions who sat near them in school kind of enjoyed the attention as well. Now that was a phase worth watching. It brought more than a few chuckles and
“Aw-isn’t-that-cute’s.”
Of
course then came the “era of evil” as far as guys are concerned. That’s when the young ladies realize the
unbelievable power they wield over the poor, unsuspecting boys. One furtive glance, one tiny hint of grin,
one casual, seemingly meaningless “Hi” slipped in their direction turns the
boys’ legs to jelly and their minds to mush.
This stage is where they sometimes learn, or are at least exposed to,
the “words of wisdom about dating” from friends primarily, but perhaps a little
from that strange creature who disappears into the master bedroom with Mom
every night … Dad. You know, little
tidbits like, “Always find a reason to break up with your girlfriend just
before Valentine’s Day, her birthday, and Christmas. Otherwise you are trapped into that
horrifying nightmare of buying her a present.”
Yikes. But that’s a whole other
story. Any way you look at it, though, all
of this leads to the inevitable heartbreak of all heartbreaks. Sigh. But
somehow he lives through it. He presses
on and buries himself in sports or technology or, heaven forbid, schoolwork.
And
then, finally, they find their one true love.
The perfection of personality wrapped in a vision of loveliness who for
some outrageous reason actually seems to like him back. OK. I
know that sounds rather junior-high-ish, and I also know that from the young guy’s
perspective it has already happened too many times for him to count, but this
one is different. For one thing, they
are both loosely considered adults now. The
guys, at least, are beginning to realize that the more time they spend with
that one special sweetheart, the more of an investment he is making. Oh, and he eventually comes to realize that
there is an emotional investment going on as well. Not that he even remotely understands
it. He just knows that she is “the one.” Of course the girl has usually been living in
that emotional investment from day one, or they wouldn’t have gotten this far
in the relationship. Now don’t get me
wrong. Just because he realizes there is
something deeply emotional going on doesn’t mean that he is ready or willing to
talk about it. Oh, no. The dreaded “share your feelings” moment is a
closely guarded, inner turmoil, identity busting revelation that often is years
in the making.
Eventually
his reasoning power starts to catch up with his all-in, “I’m here and dating no
one else so what else am I supposed to do?” understanding of commitment. He
realizes that there is something else she apparently wants from him, something
she needs, a puzzle that he hasn’t figured out and she isn’t about to tell him
the answer to. Until one day it dawns on
him … the “L” word. She wants to hear
it. She needs to hear it. And in his heart of hearts, he wants to say
it. But then the questions and doubts
ring out in his mind. Am I sure? Is this really what I want? What would this look like? Until he finally gets to the real issue he’s
struggling with … What if she doesn’t say it back? What if I’m misreading this whole thing? What if I have to start over and go through
all this with someone else? It’s almost
more than he can bear. But somehow he
does it. And thankfully, wonderfully, gloriously,
she actually says it back. The “Love” barrier has officially been crossed.
That’s
enough for a while. She seems satisfied,
happy even. He is ecstatic. He walks on air. His chest puffs out just a little bit
more. He stands a little bit
taller. His standing among the rest of
the guys has changed. Oh, they may find
ways to mock him, but deep down, the mockery truly means, “I am insanely
jealous of you.” The guy settles
in. This is … good. Now, this period can last for wildly varying
amounts of time. But eventually the guy
begins to notice that same sense of disquiet when they are together. Oh, they still say, “I love you,” but it just
seems like something is missing again.
Many guys mistake that feeling (I mean many, many guys. Mistaking feelings is something we are really
good at) and assume she is unhappy. They
respond either by running away (Rarely the best option. See mention of “Starting over” above) or by
showering her with excess attention. She
may like that at first, but it actually just exacerbates the problem. See, she is
expecting something forthcoming. He just
has no idea what that might be. And if
he can screw up enough courage to ask her, she won’t tell him. “What’s wrong?” inevitable receives the “Nothing”
answer, and once again he is confused. See,
he’s just supposed to know. Somehow.
Meanwhile,
totally unrelated to the wiles of his girlfriend, the guy has reached the point
of no return. With absolutely no knowledge
of what she has been not-so-subtly hinting at for some time, he has decided to
ask her to marry him. He struggles to
come up with the absolute best format for the big event. What to do?
What to do? Scare up some friends
to do a flash mob of “I Think I Want to Marry You”? I never understood all that hoopla
myself. I’m more of a “keep it simple
and sweet” kind of guy. I just took her
to the most romantic dinner I could think of (Bonanza Steak House), where I handed
her the receipt and said she “might want to save it for posterity.” Then we went to what I considered the ultimate
in romance, a Houston Astros baseball game.
Hey, they were playing the Dodgers at the time. Of course I was so antsy about the ring in my
pocket, we left before the end of the game, missed an extra inning thriller,
and found my car antennae broken off on the parking lot. After a mood-setter like that, how could she
possibly say no? See guys? How hard can it be?
1 Peter
4:8-9 says, “Above all, love each other
deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
Father,
thank you for gifting me with Chris. She
has been unbelievably understanding. She’s
had to be I guess. It is me she agreed
to marry. Bless her. Amen.
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