August 16 – “House Rules”

But not the Queen.  Not yet.  "Let us make a first sweep of the grounds," they insisted, though everyone knew this was about protecting the Queen from the anguish of first sight.  They also knew that she would not be deterred.  She would wait because they asked her, because she was gracious.  But tenacious she was as well.  And before long the Queen herself, dressed in the regalia of the workmen around her, made her first climb through the gaping hole that led into … just what did it lead into?   The Great Room was the first.  Into that room the royal family had hastily situated ornamentals and wood burning regalia and furniture from the outdoors.  And that was all still there.  But the layers of mud and slime that everyone expected simply were not there.  A hodgepodge of practical and pretty, useful and strictly decorative items had shifted and swerved and toppled and crashed to the floor.  Nothing, it seemed, had been left untouched.  Yet it all looked so eerily clean.  No slime.  No mud.  No layers of sand.  Just the easily discernable line of water depth marked so prominently on the walls of every room, strangely higher in some places than others, but clearly evidence of the intruder who came filled with rage and touched with his destructive hand and silently retreated.    I have written more of the story, but I think I'll wait before posting the rest of this segment.  Just the mention of rage is enough for me right now.  Tension is high around here.  Emotions are on edge as Chris' Mom drifts closer to death.  She is ready spiritually.  She is torn emotionally.  She doesn't want to hurt her children.  But she says she is so tired.  She doesn't want to leave her husband.  And he is not prepared for her to go.  Frayed emotions.  Flared tempers.  Tears.  Attempts to aid, to prolong, that come from hearts bursting with love.  And with pain.    I learned something today.  I am here right now because I am Chris' husband and Chris belongs here.  I have a place and a purpose for right now.  I am not yet pastor here, that role is to come later.  Though in private I have prayed with her Mom and heard her cry out to God.  And alone I have groaned as I prayed for Chris and for her Mom and Dad.  Others can speak of dying and heaven, if they are careful and if that is their acceptable role for right now.  The social worker.  The hospice nurse.  It hurts, but that's what is expected of them.  That's the rules.  I spoke once today of heaven.  It was an attempt to comfort, to reassure.  It was the same word I had been speaking in private.  But this time it came when all could hear.  And it came from me.  And that was not the rules.    I heard the voice of pain, and of anger, and of frustration.  It was a brief outburst from Chris' Dad.  I hastened to say that I understood.  I knew immediately I had broken the rule of his house for this time.  I was in a sense briefly banished.  Chris came outside with me and we took a walk, crying and talking.  I didn't feel angry at all.  I at first regretted that I had spoken at all.  But then … my spirit was reaching out to her Mom.  I felt a deep sense of peace in fact, that God was in control, and whatever happened would be OK.  I was hurting for Chris.  She is so tired, and the time is so close.  And bless her heart, she was worried about me.  I love her so much.   The social worker, a believer, met us outside before he left.  He said that the outburst actually brought an opportunity to talk openly about dying in general and this death in particular.  Apparently that was the first time such a discussion had ever occurred with Chris' Dad.  I am more than willing to receive this emotional blow if it leads him a step closer to peace with God.   At her Mom's request Chris called her brothers and sister to come in.  The hospice nurse seems to indicate that the end could be in a day or two.  But of course, no one really knows.  Those final decisions are truly in God's hands.   Revelation 21:3-4 says, "And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'"   Father, peace.  Peace.  Amen.